I'M LOOKING FOR MY COUNTRY

A RANT POEM FROM 1986/7

I'M LOOKING FOR MY COUNTRY (1986/7) FULL TEXT

{This rant poem was included in my solo avant-garde play called “BLOOD”. It was first performed at “PLAY” (AN ALTERNATIVE DJ NIGHT CLUB IN AN OLD BARN CALLED THE COMMUNITY ARTS WORKSHOP) to an ‘unsuspecting’ audience of clubbers. “BLOOD” premiered at the CAW in 1987 (i.e. as a seperate event to the PLAY venture) to an audience of FOUR PEOPLE). “BLOOD” was later performed at the Grhmstwn festival, the Natal Playhouse and the Market Theatre 1990. This RANT POEM is probably the most important anti apartheid poem to have emerged from SA and in many ways PREEMPTS the INSANITY we currently face GLOBALLY.}

FACET was a fanzine I produced and distributed free of charge to alternative clubbers @ FACES night club. The progressive and enlightened manager/owner Paul van Coller, of FACES paid for the photocopy printing.

{This poem was ‘ranted’ to the beat of an African drum.}

I’M LOOKING FOR MY COUNTRY

There is MONEY here and naïveté,

MIX the two together and you get a MANUFACTURED CULTURE

there is also rubble and puddle and there is a huddle of people

but somewhere, somewhere there is a country

take the trees don’t mind the BEES ignore the NEWS

that building gets put into a muddle the LINES get RED between

but I’m just looking for my country

the WHITE boys confuse their mission

the WHITE girls are taking it all for granted

put up a NO-ENTRY sign turn right turn left turn right turn left turn right turn left

SOMEONE screamed too loud or too late

SOMEONE chose, leaving me to pick up the pieces

the CAR LOAD shattered into a million REASONS

when the left explodes its called the ANC

when the right explodes all I see are SHARDS of Hitler and FESTERS OF IGNORANCE

and yet those who THINK get blamed for causing the CONSCIENCE to collide

but I’m just looking for my country

that man is quite SICK he looks quite healthy but on CLOSER inspection

his HEART is a sickly shade of YELLOW my PILLOW gets WET from all these tears

the years are turning into coagulation and YES your dress is a mess

but I’m just looking for my country

No no no NO NO I don’t mind what LANGUAGE you speak just speak the same language as me

if only you’d throw your tongue FAR enough all over the world

there are people with problems but the KEY the KEY has been to open the door

not shut it in his face his RACE is MIXED but that’s no sweat he’ll win the race

don’t you want to know what’s going on because

I’m just looking for my country

take the WINNERS and the losers don’t think twice we think we’ve paid the price

but it looks like they want us to pay more for their patience has been running THIN

and the drums BEAT in the distance of your HEART and you start to pay no attention

did anybody mention there was a country here looking for me?

that BLACK man over there, he should be ahead and that man over there

he’s lost his CRUTCH not much to be done I’m AFRAID to DATE nothing much

has been happening that’s gonna make me take off

although I never thought I would live to see the release of the world’s most famous PRISONER

instead I land with a SCREECH about who is killing WHO

not much building to be done today but didn’t I say that

I was looking for my country?

{BARGO’S 1999 - COLLABORATIVE PERFORMANCE WITH MY SON LEO. A GIANT CONE OVER MY HEAD WITH MICROPHONE INSIDE. PHOTOGRAPHER: MIKHAIL PEPPAS}

the WEST they say is confused with some kind of a test the rest are headed towards

some kind of a PLAGUE SCAREMONGERING in a way that would make any MONKEY

wear a SHEATH the age of COUNT the cost is upon us the NEW shall sweep away the old

even though they act so BOLD

but out there somewhere is a country

WAITING for the BREAK

waiting for the INFORMATION

waiting for the NEW GENERATION

take me he she it they theirs those these them I

I’ve been waiting quite a long while now and the CLOAK gets heavier

and someone is switching off all the LIGHTS the DARKNESS

never scared my thought I have my own light tonight

TONIGHT I wish I would fall in love LOVE love love love but that GLOVE

you’re wearing is so old its COLD hey didn’t I say

there was a country here?

PRAY I’ve heard them say that we should pray but the only thing that truly preys

around here are those REAL animals we only get to see on our TV SCREENS

then someone went and blamed the lack of OZONE on an aerosol can and clean forgot about the ATOMIC contest

I wonder who’s MONEY is invested

this large ZOO has me tongue tired and then someone went and tied our hands

behind our backs and the TRACKS were washed away in the FLOODS

BLOOD BLOOD flows thicker than water in any COLOUR mother, mother

I’m just looking for my country

help me help me help me don’t just stand there THROW a cartwheel

place a bet or just get the hell out of here or else I’ll tell the world on you

I could go to hell for you in fact I’ll get a HARD ON for you if you’ll just stay

and play with some kind of REAL interest not thinking about what to TAKE

but rather trying to MAKE something out of it,

this CENTRE WHICH CANNOT HOLD

like a CAMEL on the tip of an ICEBERG

like a BEAST that cannot BEAST

and WHO told you to THINK for yourself huh?

you want to be a REBEL too?

They make it THAT easy but don’t go thinking that it is THAT EASY

or how about being like one of those university lecturers who seem to think

that ANARCHISTS come in package deals?

{photo post collaborative performance at BARGO’S with my son 1999. Photographer Mikhail Peppas)

The TRUTH is hard to come by REALITY is in short supply and just try

just try and stop them making BOMBS! Didn’t I hear them say there was a

country here looking for me?

A CONFUSION OF TONGUES and a MISCALCULATION of the weather

don’t know whether I’m going to make it through the night

where were you when I needed you

things were CHANGING in a way that was making all of us lose PATIENCE

but not anybody was needed to fill this gap which had become a VACUUM

and who lit you a CIGARETTE while others were burning down BRIDGES?

Hey man, are you alive or are you dead? Your head is probably in need of repair

care to mention why your heels DRAG so or is your new suit enough for you?

Don’t give me the same old story isn’t it time for something BOLD?

The city is the place to be but why all the BARRICADES I thought a sign of VIBRANCY

was when CONNECTIONS were being made and didn’t I hear someone say something

about a country with only ONE forty-five year old HORSE?

It’s a cry in the night for a long dark overdue with a HUE and a cry I try to keep

my head above going UNDER I wonder who else thinks like this?

I need to live with you WITHOUT the barriers

how far do you want to go now

I’m still just looking for my country

HEY COUNTRY BOY are you close enough are you BOLD enough

is there MUD in you EYE and GRIT beneath you nails?

Are you to be my guide can you take this all in your STRIDE?

Aaah but I see a head that’s been bred on a NAZI mentality and so I just can’t help

wondering what you MOTHER looks like so don’t bury your head in the SLUDGE

it gets hard to breathe when you’re six feet deep and DOING everything

you can to stay alive its after five in the morning and very little else is dawning

and someone has just asked me out but they’ve FORGOTTEN its all wrong

they just don’t know where they are heading there’s a landing somewhere

almost close by but

I’m still just looking for my country

I asked him to use his IMAGINATION and he looked at me as if I were responsible

for HIS FLAT TYRE he’s not going anywhere anyway but he needs to blame somebody

ANYBODY out there with a broader point of view who could come to my RESCUE

there’s something to be learnt from a MISTAKE but this takes the entire slice of cake

and WHO baked you an APPLE? And just what do you do with those COLOURS that

BRILLIANT in spite of the DULL THUD of your EYES?

title: Beyond Good and Evil 1990

Take away the rules and we get some IDIOTIC MALE with illusions of ADEQUACY

practising every form of MISCONCEPTION and won’t someone give me a clue

as to where I am going to find my very own PENIS?

It all depends on whose side you’re on if you are not on the one

you’re an enemy of the other and I cannot think of anything more INHOSPITABLE

but if you’re on MINE you seem unable to SPEAK

you’re always LOST for words when it really matters

allowing those with LOUD voices to BLEAT any manner of innuendos

so STAND UP and get ready to SPIN if you dare

no don’t GRIN way ahead of my time they said

well that’s what its like when you’re on a LADDER that reaches for the SKY

and I would die I could just fall down ALIVE

if I don’t find this country

won’t somebody give me the LEFT OVER forms to fill in so that I can get this all right?

But do you mind, I think I’m gonna just have to help myself if only you’d keep your

SHADOW to yourself and stop passing the BUCK

it’s a long time since I last had a FUCK

but it’s all just a matter of choice which is no way of saying anything at all

but I did not say that I was trying to COMPROMISE or even meet you a THIRD of the way its not much fun getting RUN OVER this way

the BRUISES don’t show

and this WAY seems to go on forever with myths

and counter myths COUNTER spies and counter INFORMERS counter

COUNTER BEURO’S

some councillors got stuck in that war time ZONE

and all of THIS is supposed to make SENSE?!!!

But I’m just looking for my country

last night feels like a year has gone by but for you TIME seems to have no meaning

so just try, just try holding our BREATH for a minute or two and you say you’re CONFUSED and lack DIRECTION?

Well the answer would bite you were it a snake its so close

everything seems so close so close so close its almost WORTH the GAMBLE

today today I could not tell if you were a boy or a girl

but you would not let me hold your hand you STOPPED everything at your HEART

you weren’t prepared to take the risk and I, I, I, I, I tried, I tried, I tried

but still could not break through and yet you still expect me to break my BACK for you

SLAY three dragons for you but

I’m just looking for my country

and don’t ask

yes do ask all the AWKWARD questions one of them is bound to throw the FAT into the fire there is so much BLOOD being swept under the carpet

but do not ask NO DO NOT ASK the policeman why he hasn’t got any MANNERS

as he comes barging in or BULLDOZING over or whatever it is that he likes to call himself

BIG DADDY told him manners maketh the COWARD and somewhere

along he way BIG MOMMY must have agreed oh I’ve been told that MOTHERS rule the world but this is ridiculously INCOMPATABLE

and whose generation gap is this anyway?

And just WHAT do you do with a young BLACK BOY whose first TRAUMA trauma

was being dragged behind a police van in a DUSTBIN with a lid on it?

But I’m just looking for my country

And how are your SOCIAL SHARES standing today huh? UP or down?

Did somebody start a nasty RUMOUR about you too? That’s all they ever seem to do around here is to talk AT each other over the ‘phone, it makes them think that they’re alive

living their lives through other people’s lives over the phone the telephone syndrome it goes on for weeks years months and hours about other people taking risks

oh my just look at the time in just under five minutes he or she will be home

and I haven’t even slaughtered the HORSE yet and there are those that confuse CHRIST with CHRISTIANITY and place mongering and GOSSIP with FICTION above FACT

I wonder who told them to NARROW their minds it surely wasn’t CHRIST

but I’m just looking for my country

And then he likes to play DEAD just when you think he’s coming alive

and then he hides in the CLOSET and pretends to be ALERT

who INVERTED him with a girlfriend under one collar and a SURFBOARD

under the other BOOT now they’re ready for any BEACH south of the BORDER

but his mommy likes it this was but her daddy isn’t too sure and he tries to remember

with EFFORT the passport to HETEROSEX but the ball got lost trying to decide which

way to BOUNCE an OUNCE or a pound of your FLESH will pay for yet another CRIME which breed PESTILENCE

once there was a way but he still seems to think

that every LOVE SONG is about HIM

and yes I can see the BLOOD as it oozes from your BROW in unquenched unsurrendered DESIRE

and I’m still looking for my country

The CAT grinned at me in that KNOWING way but I knew it knew nothing it only seemed that way but you were taken in

you haven’t yet learnt how to tell what is REAL and what only PRETENDS to be real

you’ve always been fooled by the SHINY face you’re trying to hard to be ORDINARY

you’re beginning to DIE INSIDE you haven’t had a single thought in your head you

can call your own I enjoy my own company anyway even though this country is

INVISIBLE

in fact it’s DIVIDED and the heat is on for a NEW NATION

but the platform gets overcrowded and the TRAIN just will not arrive at all being STALLED with white hands and BLACK hearts with BLOOD on their seats and BLOOD on the walls, BLOOD in the gullies, and BLOOD on the tracks

MUST more BLOOD SPILL?

And then I see this hand which asks for money

but honey, honey, I just don’t have any can’t you see I’m just like you without these clothes?

I’ve had my fare share of CULTURAL TORTURE so why make a

bee line for me or is it just that I have a white skin?

So let’s get back to the end and practise what we preach or else we remain out of reach

so TEACH me TEACH me the value of being me in this land I’m trying so hard to reach.

And then somebody asked if I was BORN here and I said where? where? where?

And he repeated what he didn’t say and then this voice in the WILDERNESS asked if I

was lost and I said well NO not really I’m just sitting on the EDGE of my seat even if I

watch this film it’s still some form of FOREIGN contact the distance seems less far

are you tall enough to reach the bottom?

If the shoe fits throw it away

today today I am going to stop play if things don’t reach some form of APPARITION

and you say you want to be my friend yet when you see the PRICE you ain’t got no

GUTS so just be nice to me huh for once

I’m at the end of my tether

but that’s what its like when you are MAROONED without a saving grace and the

only thing to do has been to TRANSFORM to take an INTERNAL JOURNEY

I’m at the end of the weather

don’t know whether I am ever going to find

my country